


The Many Failings of TJ Kippen

by Nycis



Category: Andi Mack (TV)
Genre: Angst, Author is unreliable, Canon Compliant, Kippen Siblings, LIKE A LOT OF ANGST, M/M, Self-Hatred, Slow Burn, i think, more of everything to be added!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-26
Updated: 2018-12-29
Packaged: 2019-09-27 15:04:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17164199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nycis/pseuds/Nycis
Summary: Sometimes TJ Kippen really despises everything about himself, luckily one day he meets a boy who can still see all the good.





	1. Prologue, Chapter I

**Author's Note:**

> Hey Everyone!
> 
> So this is my first Andi Mack fic, I got so bored during the hiatus and holidays that I decided to go ahead and write this. There are so many fantastic Tyrus fics, I really hope this doesn't suck too bad. It's going to be long, full of emotions and a lot of self deprecation so proceed at your own risk!
> 
> I have a tumblr (@nycis) although it's not really that Andi Mack focussed, but feel free to swing by and chat about anything really! <3

TJ Kippen was 10 years old when his father left. It was a dark and stormy night, but the wind and the rain did little to drown out the noise of his parents arguing downstairs. He and Amber were cuddled together under the sheets of her bed, TJ had come in after the storm started but now he was too scared to leave and it wasn’t because of the weather. The fights had always happened, it was just part of his parents’ relationship, but that night it was worse than ever before. The siblings held each other tight, both sobbing quietly to the sounds of glass breaking, thunder rumbling and voices shouting.

 

The next morning they found carnage downstairs, a couple of smashed bottles littered the floor: whisky for their dad, wine for their mom. The pair carefully stepped over shards of glass to the kitchen to try and find some food. When their mom finally got up she explained that their father wasn’t coming home, they were getting divorced and that was all that was said on the matter.

 

TJ said he was fine with it, he told himself he was fine with it because he needed to be. He didn’t want to burden Amber or his mom so he decided to write down his feelings in a book. It was a small dark green book he had gotten in elementary school. It wasn’t exactly a diary, he rarely wrote in it, only when he felt real bad. TJ would compress down all the horrible feelings and leave it in the book so it couldn’t hurt him anymore.

 

* * *

 

When he was 11 TJ had his heart broken. It was summer and TJ had gone to a sports camp, he had saved pocket money from doing chores up for almost one whole year to help pay for it. It was everything he dreamed it would be. TJ had always loved sports, especially basketball and now he got to spend 3 whole weeks doing nothing but exactly that. The camp was on the other side of the state and even though no one else from Shadyside was there, TJ quickly made a group of new friends.

 

Among them was Nathaniel, a tall brunette the same age as TJ. He was most definitely a good looking guy, no one would disagree with that, but TJ realised that he thought Nathaniel was more; words like handsome and beautiful and cute came drifting into his head. It confused him at first, boys were supposed to like girls right? At the end of the second week of camp TJ realised he might be gay, or at least not straight, it was an equally terrifying and exciting revelation. Through the following week, he slowly built up the courage to talk to Nathaniel about it, on the final day of camp there was a bonfire. Him and Nathaniel snuck away into the woods when everyone else was busy singing a lame song. That night, TJ came out for the first time and tried to kiss his crush under the Utah moonlight.

 

The next day he didn’t speak to anyone until his mom came to pick him up and when she asked him how camp had been TJ smiled and said it was great. When he got home, he locked the door to his room and sobbed silently into his pillow for an hour. Eventually TJ took out the little green book and wrote about the whole ordeal, later he would tell himself  _ he wasn’t gay _ ,  _ he couldn’t be gay, basketball captains weren’t gay _ . He tried to forget everything to do with Nathaniel, he tried to forget everything he had felt, all the words that had been said. He almost succeeded.

 

* * *

 

The first time he bullied someone, TJ was 12. He had just finished trying out for the Jefferson basketball team, it had been hard work but it felt good. The changing room was abuzz with noise and chatter as all the kids bantered and changed, the current team captain Marshall clapped him on the shoulder as he walked past further into the room. TJ was almost done changing when he noticed the kid try and sneak into the changing rooms, he was scrawny and ginger, slightly too large glasses adorned his face as he walked around the outside of the room to a locker.

 

Inevitably a few of the basketball team noticed, a couple chuckled, a few more jeered as the kid, TJ remembered his name was Gus, fetched a sports bag from his locker, a  _ Space Otters  _ t-shirt hanging out of it. As Gus tried to make his retreat out of the locker room, Marshall blocked his path. TJ made plenty of excuses in his head why he did what he did,  _ peer pressure, rivalry between sports teams, showing Marshall how strong he was, it was worth it for his basketball career… _

 

The next day Gus caught sight of him in the hallway, his glasses were now taped together in the middle and there was a bruise on his right cheek. As soon he saw TJ, the kid bolted in the opposite direction, as fast the limp in his leg would allow him. TJ felt terrible, he couldn’t sleep that night, the heavy weight of guilt on his shoulders made it impossible so instead he took out the book from it’s resting spot behind the back of his desk’s top draw and wrote in it again. After, he tried to quash all the guilt he felt as best he could and the day after he was accepted onto the basketball team.

 

* * *

 

TJ was 13 the first time he shot a gun. Him, Reed and Lester were sitting on an outcropping of rocks in the disused quarry outside of town. They had just finished dirt biking for 3 hours and the trio were all letting the adrenaline slowly seep out of their bodies when Reed took it out of his bag. TJ didn’t know a lot about guns, he wasn’t into that kind of thing, but he knew they were dangerous, he knew teenagers definitely shouldn’t use them.

 

That didn’t stop him from trying to shoot an apple from his packed lunch. It took him a few shots but eventually he hit the piece of fruit, bits of it splintered everywhere, coating the rock it was sitting on with sticking bits of apple. Reed and Lester jumped up in excitement and yelled, TJ put a fake smile on a bro fisted his friends, he said it was awesome and put his hands in the pockets of his hoodie so the two other boys wouldn’t see how much they were shaking.

 

When he got home, TJ couldn’t take out his book fast enough. He wrote about the terror he felt when the apple exploded, the chilling surprise that he had done that. TJ was terrified about he was becoming, what he already had become and what he was probably going to do. He wanted to cry and hide and go back to being 10 but he was so scared of losing his two closest friends that he went back to the same quarry the week after and did it all over again.

 

* * *

 

When TJ was 14, he was terrified of losing everything he had left. First, Buffy Driscoll had somehow made her way onto the basketball team. TJ remembered watching her tryout, she was good, maybe,  _ maybe _ , better than him. So he tried to sabotage her as much as possible, it wasn’t hard for him to get the rest team involved and he figured after a few games of getting the cold shoulder she’d take the hint and leave. It wasn’t that TJ didn’t like Buffy, the simple fact was that he didn’t want to take the risk of her becoming captain. She was talented, popular and likeable but she was also a threat.

 

Then he started failing maths, he had never been very good at it, he mostly got through the last couple of years by bullying kids into giving him homework answers, a bit of luck and copying Gus who sat to his right. But now the teacher had noticed how bad he was actually doing and threatened to stop him playing basketball if he didn’t see a tutor. And of course it was Buffy Driscoll because of course she was also good at maths. TJ just didn’t understand the numbers, the lines and shapes all blended together in his head, the algebra and equations didn’t mean anything to him. Then she suggested his brain might be broken.

 

The next day, TJ grabbed the small green book from its hiding place and left, Amber was at the Spoon and he couldn’t bare to stay in the house with his mom and her new stupid boyfriend. So he left and let his feet carry him wherever they wanted. He felt his phone buzz a few times but ignored it, he was supposed to be having a tutor session with Buffy but he simply couldn’t handle it right now. Eventually he found himself on a bench in the park and his book in his hands. He wrote about how insecure he was at losing everything he had left. He had worked hard to be captain but now because of his goddamn stupid broken brain he was going to lose that too. He really hated himself sometimes, now his own body was betraying him.

 

* * *

 

Once he was done with his most recent entry, TJ skimmed through the rest of the book. He didn’t know why he kept writing in it. The book was just a catalogue of everything shitty that had happened to him and all the shitty decisions he had made himself. Maybe in a different life there was a TJ Kippen who had a book full of accomplishments and successes, a guy who didn’t hate himself as much as he did, but that wasn’t him. Closing it, TJ wrote on the blank front cover of the old notebook:  _ The many failings of TJ Kippen _ , before hastily shoving it back in his backpack

 

No one was ever going to lay eyes on it, definitely not any of his friends, not his mother, not even Amber. No one else would ever know it exists, let alone read it.

 

Except for when Cyrus Goodman found it.


	2. Prologue, Chapter II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TJ really meets Cyrus for the first time and accidentally shares something very important to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the support on the first chapter, if you're bored or interested or whatever, come find me on tumblr (@nycis)!
> 
> Thanks for reading! <3

TJ begins walking but he’s not entirely sure where he’s going, he didn’t want to bother Amber at the Spoon, he didn’t want to go hang out with the basketball squad, he was in too much of a state for that and he certainly didn’t want to go home and face his mom. So he wandered through the park, kids occasionally ran past, laughing and playing with sticks and toys, mothers pushed strollers and grandparents sat on benches watching the lake. It was all horribly boring and suburban but a forlorn longing nestled in his stomach.

 

“Legs go up. Legs go down. That’s how we make the swing go round.” A voice singing pulled TJ from his thoughts, he saw familiar looking boy sitting alone on a swing, a dejected look on his face as he sung the vaguely melancholy tune. TJ wracked his brain, trying to think of where he recognised the other boy from.  _ The canteen, Buffy’s muffin deficient friend,  _ he recalled. “Drag your feet, you go slow. The more you drag the less you go.”

 

“Nice song.” TJ interrupted, he wasn’t entirely sure why he decided to stop to speak to the boy but he wasn’t doing anything else, plus something about the song’s childish innocent nature felt comforting to him. “What do you sing on the slide?” He continued, half joking.

 

The muffin boy turned to look at him apprehensively, TJ could tell he was scared and felt a pang of guilt in his stomach. “We go down, we say yay. We don’t climb up that’s the wrong way.”

 

“Huh,” TJ let out a half chuckle in surprise, “Did not expect you to have a song for that. Chocolate chocolate chip muffin, right?”

 

“Scary basketball guy.” The smaller boy said gesturing towards him, more of a statement than a question.

 

TJ felt himself frown as another stab of guilt hit his stomach, this was how everyone else viewed him then? The scary basketball captain, that was all he was, although he knew he had done enough crap to deserve the title. Sighing, he tried to correct the other boy. “Actually, TJ.”

 

“I know,” The boy said, a sheepish grin on his face, “Cyrus.” A small flame of hope kindled inside of TJ, maybe people did occasionally see through the facade he had put up.

 

Walking over to the adjacent swing, he grabbed hold of it’s chain. “So… do you hang out here a lot?”  _ Since when was small talk so difficult? _ He mused to himself.

 

“Only when I’m feeling bad about myself… so fairly often.”

 

TJ felt something weird stir inside of him. This was literally the second time he’s ever met Cyrus, that he can remember at least, but they boy had just told him that. The only thing TJ had ever let his guard down with has that damn little green book, instinctively he glanced at his shoulder bag which was now dumped unceremoniously on the ground a few feet away. Letting out a light “Hmm.”, TJ looked back up at Cyrus, he felt his usual faux confidence leak away. “Does it help?” Even TJ himself was slightly surprised by the sincerity in his own voice.

 

“Helps me”, Cyrus shrugged, “Go on, looks like you need it.”

 

Without another word TJ got on the swing and started the familiar motions of back and forth. It had been years since he’d been on a swing, him and Amber used to love to coming down to the park on Sunday afternoons. A memory of the two of them came back to him, he must have been 8 or 9, Amber and him had saved up pocket money to buy ice cream from the kiosk in the middle of the park. But the kiosk had shut down a few years ago and between Amber’s waitressing and high school work she was busy enough that TJ didn’t want to bother her these days. Even though the memory was bitter sweet, it was still sweet enough that TJ started to grin. “Wow this does kinda make me feel better.”

 

“What do you need to feel better about?” Cyrus’ inquisitive voice pierced through TJ’s thoughts. “You’re the captain of the basketball team.”

 

Pulled from his reminiscence and shoved back into the present, TJ’s mood dropped.  _ What did he need to feel better about? If only Cyrus knew. _ “You don’t know me.” He muttered.  _ Maybe, it’s that he wasn’t going to be captain for much longer at this rate, or maybe it’s that his brain is broken in way no one can fix or even that he hates almost everything about his life right now. _ “I got stuff.”

 

“Bet you I got more stuff.” Cyrus replied, a small smile on his face.

 

_ As if.  _ He thought to himself, although maybe TJ shouldn’t be so quick to judge. “Yeah?” He pondered for a moment whether he should dig deeper but he decided against it. He had only really just met this kid and already admitted more to him than he did to most others, TJ wasn’t really sure why either. “Bet you I can swing higher.” He blurted out, trying to change the subject.

 

“I’m afraid to swing high, it’s part of my stuff.” Cyrus’s face fell slightly and TJ felt slightly disappointed in himself for bringing the other boy’s mood down.

 

Nevertheless, TJ swung higher and higher, letting out a woop of excitement. “I don’t know why I ever stopped swinging. Come one get up here.” He said, trying to inject some enthusiasm into their conversation.

 

“This is as up as I go.” Cyrus said meekly. TJ grinned as a plan formed in his head, jumping off at the apex of the swing’s arc, he neatly landed facing the other boy. Running behind Cyrus, TJ started to push him harder and harder. As the younger boy let out a nervous sound TJ debated stopping, he did seem genuinely scared. Giving Cyrus one last hefty push, TJ ran under the swing, grinning.

 

“Underdog!” As he turned to look at the Cyrus again, TJ’s heart fluttered as he saw the other boy’s smile. It was cute, it reminded him a bit of the kids at the gym where he worked. A kind of innocent and pure happiness that was now radiating from Cyrus.

 

“That was exhilarating!” Cyrus yelped, halfway between smiling and laughing.

 

“You want another one?” TJ grinned back.

 

“No thank you.” Cyrus replied quickly, but his smile told TJ another story.

 

Pouting at him, TJ chuckled out, “Too bad!”, running behind Cyrus to go again. The younger boy provided more excited noises as he was swung to a right angle again. TJ felt his grin grow until he spotted another figure approaching the swingset.  _ Of course, Buffy Driscoll.  _ He instantly felt his smile and spirit dissipate as she started running toward them,  _ The universe couldn’t let him have one afternoon in peace. _

 

“I gotta go.” He said meekly, hastily grabbing his bag.

 

With a slight audible stumble Cyrus got off the swing to face him, TJ immediately felt himself freeze and turn to face the younger boy. “No TJ, you don’t have to go. Buffy, she’s really cool-”

 

“Yeah, no. But thanks for reminding me about swinging, it helped.”  _ I came to park to get away from all my stuff, not get lectured at by the high and mighty Buffy. _ He thought to himself, although the crestfallen look on Cyrus’s face did make him stop to consider it. But after a moment’s pause he quickly span around and took off away from the park, “I’m out.” Buffy chasing after him. In his haste to get away he didn’t notice the small green book fall from his bag and land on the floor next to the swingset.

 

* * *

 

 

Cyrus felt vaguely disappointed as he watched Buffy chase after TJ out of the park, he had enjoyed the company of the maybe not so scary basketball captain. TJ had surprised Cyrus by being so amicable, he had always seemed like a classic jock, no feelings or emotions, just muscles and hair gel. Not that TJ didn’t have any muscles and by the looks of it he did have plenty of hair gel but he shown a side of himself that Cyrus didn’t even anticipate existed.

 

Dumping himself back onto the swing he let out a breath he didn’t realise he was holding, he had come here to try and get away from his own drama and now he had just accidentally gotten involved in TJ and Buffy’s row. Sighing, thoughts of Jonah Beck started to enter his head again. Whatever chances he had with him ( _ Which were none anyway, _ he reminded himself), would all be gone now. Images of the nervous sweaty wreck he had been flooded back to him, it was maybe one of the most embarrassing moments of his life and of course it was in front of his crush ( _ Apart from the vomiting in his shoe incident, which was also in front of Jonah). _

 

Frustrated, Cyrus started to swing again, the rocking motion calmed his mind and slowly all his thoughts came back to order. That’s when he noticed the small book lying amongst the wood chippings. It was a dark green exercise book, like the one Cyrus used to use at his elementary school for English class. Thankful for the distraction, he dismounted from the swing and went over to pick it up.

 

On the cover, the title was scrawled in surprisingly neat cursive handwriting.  _ The many failings of TJ Kippen. _ Cyrus’s heart stopped for a beat. He quickly picked the book up and put it in his backpack, a blush spreading across his face,  _ What the hell was he going to do with this? _

 

* * *

 

 

TJ slammed the door to his room with a satisfying crash, although no one was there to hear it, his mom had gone out somewhere and Amber was still working. So here he was, alone as usual. He threw his bag onto his bed with a thud and crashed down next to it. The conversation with Buffy had gone about as well as expected, she insisted he had this dyscalculia thing, that his mind was broken.

 

He really didn’t want to face it, sure he was bad at math, _ loads of people are bad at math, _ he told himself,  _ doesn’t mean I have a learning disability. _ The tutoring with Buffy just wasn’t working for him and now the Coach was threatening to throw him off the basketball squad. He felt like it was all crashing down around him.  _ I’m alone. I’m an idiot. I’m a failure. _

 

Shaking himself from his thoughts TJ got up and moved over to his, dragging the sling bag with him. He needed to write, it was one of the few things that would make him feel better, get all the emotions out so he didn’t have to feel them. Although maybe now he could add swinging to the list of therapeutic activities, it had been nice… until Buffy came along. Cyrus’s kindness had surprised him, although he wasn’t exactly sure why, he was the type of kid who would never normally dream of stealing the last muffin. Maybe TJ just wasn’t used to kind people.

 

TJ frowned as he searched his bag again. He couldn’t find the book. He looked another time. He couldn’t find the book. Some frantic took hold of him as he emptied the bag’s contents onto the floor. He couldn’t find the book. Dropping onto the floor to search through the detritus, he started to panic.

  
_ Shit.  _ He couldn’t find the book.


End file.
